|
|
Welcome, earthlings! Martians have gathered in an organized group and are ready for you now. In this letter, we have left you a guide to positive life activities.
Welcome to Mars, a federal colony!*
|
|
|
|
The first things that we have made for you are abodes. It appears that you call them houses.
|
|
|
Here you can find shelter from daily sandstorms or insect tornados.
|
|
Here you can find shelter from daily sandstorms or insect tornados.
|
|
|
Here you can find shelter from daily sandstorms or insect tornados.
|
|
|
Attention: You must not climb to the roof — we have read that it is dangerous and can disrupt your life-sustaining activity.
|
|
|
|
There is a big container in every abode. It serves to store nutritious sustenances with different consistencies. You can find it in our places for accumulation and storage as well — you call them stores. We know a great many of your words!
Attention: Try to consume the sustenance from the white container in 24,5 hours. Otherwise there is a risk of getting a digestive illness; and we have not figured out how to make latrines yet.
|
|
|
We have made holes in every wall so that you can plug in your wires with sticks. Done — now you can push your glowing boxes with the outgrowths on your tentacles!***
Attention: This was made by Frank. He is only a trainee, so he could miscalculate something. Please do not bear a grudge against him, he is still studying.
|
|
|
|
Here you can move your tentacles and listen to human music. We know that everybody needs to increase serotonin sometimes. We did not build this place for earthlings, we had had it before you decided to come. Here, on Mars, we are very good at quick and skillful movements of outgrowths and tentacles.
Attention: Try to move not too quickly and skillfully. Young Martians also come here to move their limbs. Your movements can be mistaken for a movement challenge, and, believe us, Martians are really good at this!
We express the hope that Mars will give you pleasure!
|
|
|
* We found this phrase in an old movie about Mars. It features a big earthling who blew his nose just as we do. Only we did not understand why he was writhing when he was getting a waste ball from his head hole — this is not uncomfortable at all.
**We found this word in an IKEA catalogue that our chief marketer brought to us from his vacation on Earth. We hope this word does not offend anybody. If it did, please accept our apologies.
***We do not understand why earthlings do that. Perhaps, you like it. Martians strongly desire that you feel good on Mars.
|
|
Earthlings! This email was sent to your glowing boxes so you don’t doubt that Mars is habitable for you.
If you experience elevated levels of serotonin, send your friends the
web-version.
And if all the serotonin left your body after reading this email —
unsubscribe.
© 2014–2021 Email Soldiers
|
|